Celebrating: Easter & the Resurrection. Pin-pointing my passion and taking a year long inventory before I dive in. Wedding festivities (this weekend).
With all the celebration, there are feelings that I'm sitting with that aren't particularly wonderful, but I'm honoring them.
As I wrote on instagram: acceptance. conscious choices. joy in the pain. feeling it all and letting it be what it is. this is release. or sweet surrender as I like to call it.
My friend talked me through some emotions I was struggling with, and the truth we came to is that I'm deep in mourning.
I'm still mourning the loss of my mother. It's approaching the two year mark of her passing. While time has helped me heal, time feels so inconsequential in my grieving process.
I'm mourning the loss of one of my closest friendships.
I'm mourning the loss of my cousin who passed of a brain aneurysm three weeks ago.
I'm mourning the absence of cigarettes in my life (after smoking for close to 25 years). I'm still smoke free and doing great, it's just a big change.
With the light, there is the dark. This is how the universe keeps things in balance. I don't like it, but I understand it, and I allow myself to feel how it feels.
Grief is a heavy emotion to sit with, and I've covered it with words like anger, disappointment, and embarrassment. With over a year of therapy under my belt, I was surprised when my friend sat me down and got down to the real nitty gritty truth. She peeled back every layer with me until we hit the raw spot. I'm sad. I've suffered losses that I'm not over yet.
So currently I am sitting with both the joy and the pain. I'm making conscious choices, and I am accepting. I'm not letting the grief stifle me though because I thrive within joy. I have a happy balance of both, and for that, I am grateful.
I missed blogging! Thank you #typepad for working so hard to get things working again!