public musings of a mama

many acts led to the number

There were a couple of things I wanted to do before September rolled around.  One was to become a little more computer savvy.  I'm going back to work when Angie goes back to school, and I need to brush up on some of my computer skills.  Thank god for tutorials.  There's a tutorial for almost anything now on the internet.  From arts and crafts, to cooking, to fixing a car... you can learn it if you find a tutorial for it.  At my last job, I worked mostly with MS Excel and PowerPoint, and over the last seven years these programs have changed.  I'll spend a couple of hours per week working and testing out the MS Office programs, like oiling a squeaking, rusted door. 

Another program I wanted to tackle was Photoshop, which for me was overwhelming.  My girlfriend who works in graphic design said it was a complicated program that can do ten great things in a thousand different ways.  I bought a little book on the CS3 program, read through some great tutorials, and I have to say that in two months I have learned so much.  You can branch out and do so many different things with this program, it's really a constant learning experience.

The other really, really important thing I wanted to do was to lose weight.  Aah, the struggle of my adult life.  There was a moment last year when my head and my heart were in perfect harmony over the delicate issue that my weight had become.  Always supported by my family, I began taking a series of baby steps that would kick start a dramatic journey towards a healthier life, a healthier me.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much I have changed (physically and in my head space).  I want to be honest and tell you that when I started out, I was wearing a size 14 that was tight and the size 16 was feeling comfy.  I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you my weight number starting out, that has only been told to a chosen few.  But think about it, size 14-16 wearing girl who stands all of 5 feet 2 inches tall?  I was big.  So, since making the changes in my food selections and adding some workouts, I have lost a grand total of 53 pounds.  I feel funny saying that, like it's some foreign thing that happened to another person, but... it's me.  I did this.  I am proud of this really big thing.  I lost 53 pounds.  I own that and I am beaming over the work I did to be able to say that.

Yesterday I put on a pair of my sister's size 8 jeans, and they fit me.  I was bouncing around the house, happy as a freakin' clam.  But that is just icing on the cake.  My blood pressure, cholesterol, and all the rest of my numbers from my last blood work analysis are down.  My monthly thing isn't as weird and crazy as it was before (less PMS posts!!)  I feel lighter and less blobby when I sit.  My kid can reach all the way around and clasp her hands together when she holds me tight (that one made me cry).  Z gets even better benefits from his lighter, more limber, acrobatic partner ;-)  I didn't just write that, did I?

Jessie, who I love dearly, has a beautiful Be Brave project she's invited people to share in.  I've been hesitant to join her because failure on a public level has always frightened me.  But what I'm noticing now is that failure is part of being brave.  In her most recent post, she writes about how she waited on getting her laptop fixed for over two months because of this reason or that reason... and in taking one step, she had her laptop on the road to getting fixed with help from the computer techs in a matter of minutes.  It took minutes to start fixing the problem that she had been putting off.  OK, so it's a small act of bravery but to me, it spoke volumes.  I think that it's fear that holds people back from their own true potential.  (please go check out her blog and read about what she has been able to accomplish in less than one year by being brave).

What I can say about myself is that I did (and still do) have many fears that I brushed to the side in attempt to reach out for something new.  I stepped out of my box and tried something else that worked.  I've been brave in my own way and while it may be the road less traveled, it definitely leads to a place where I can look back and feel good about the choices I made getting there.  I feel ready to be brave in my everyday life because now, fear doesn't control me.  A while back, I wrote about a friend of mine that owns a gallery who had invited me to show my flower photos.  While the invite was flattering, I was frozen with fear at the thought of doing something like that.  It doesn't scare me anymore and she left the invitation open for when I was ready.  Am I ready??????  I think so.  Sometimes, for me, hitting the publish button on this blog is an act of bravery.

crashing waves

~Monday morning.  Humid morning.  Back aching.~

Everyday that we spent at the seashore was perfect.  It rained once for a couple of hours in the morning, but the afternoon skies cleared up enough for the sun to peek her pretty head out.  We couldn't have wished for better weather.  This of course made conditions perfect for swimming in the sparkly blue Atlantic.  (Here begins my aching back story...)  The ocean was quite rough.  We had been hearing stories on the news about the ripple effects a certain hurricane was having on the Jersey shore.  The waves were ferociously angry, crashing down on the surf with a force I'd never seen.  The news coverage was not good at all.  We were told about strong riptides, missing swimmers, and drownings.  I did test the waters a couple of times when the lifeguards had their yellow flags up (swim with caution).  Whoa.  The kids were not allowed to swim without me so I made the decision that, NO, we would not be swimming until later in the week when things would finally calm down.  In the meantime, the three girls could play in the sand where the water washed over their feet and my sister and I could have a good view of where they were at all times.

OK, so later on in the week, the kids were begging me to go swimming.  The waves had calmed down a lot and the water temperature was a divine 70 degrees.  We head into the water cautiously.  My older niece dives into the waves and swims out beyond where they break, which is what you want to do.  Angie and I follow behind her, holding hands.  I see what I think is a perfect moment to dive in and Angie yells for me not to... the wave is too big.  Nonsense, little girl.  I wish I had listened to her.  We both got caught in the middle of a huge wave that was cresting over.  It sucked us under, the force strong enough to rip our grip apart.  The wave twisted me in a way that I felt my back go numb.  It pounded me down into the sand underwater, my knee slamming really hard into the ground.  One more round of twisting and then it spit me out onto the sand.  My first thought was 'where is my kid?'.  Luckily, she was right next to me, but she was crying and telling me how the same exact thing happened to her.  We sat on the sand totally in shock over the whole experience.

My body was in pain for the next couple of days.  Not enough pain to be worried or visit a doctor.  No, it was a sore kind of dull ache pain.  Angie was fine the day after the experience but would not go back in the water for the rest of our time there.  She was really shook up and scared by the whole thing.  I thought the salty water would be good for my muscles so I went back in for many more dips and swims with my older niece.  I was just a lot more careful.

(post wave beating warriors)

It's so good to be home and sleeping in my own bed again.  My sleeping place has to be comfy, so I will spend good money on 600 or 800 thread count sheets (from a discount place like TJ Maxx).  I love my bed, it's a king sized, double pillow top mattress.  It's beautiful and plush for sleeping, but not so good if your back hurts to begin with.  While I was gone, I won a contest.  Loretta, (or Mrs. Pom) was giving away a gift certificate to Borders and all you had to do to be entered was post your summer reading list.  I'm so using this gift card towards the new Stephanie Meyer book... which I have already reserved a copy.

Today, Angie has a swimming party to go to.  I'm getting used to being back home and having my beautiful internet connection again.  I'm still catching up with the blog reading.  A lot of you are enjoying your time at BlogHer.  Drop me a comment and tell me what's up and how you're doing!! x's and o's.

sand between my toes

Hello again.  I'm just back from a lovely seven day beach vacation.  It was amazing!  The weather was sunny and breezy, absolutely perfect.  I'll be playing catch up for a few days because I had no internet connection.  In the meantime, here are a few pictures.

going away

On VACATION !!!!

I'll be back next Saturday.  Enjoy your week!!

 

what's ahead

One needs something to believe in, something for which one can have whole-hearted enthusiasm.  One needs to feel that one's life has meaning, that one is needed in this world. ~Hannah Senesh

I've been thinking a lot about what direction I'm going in.  At the end of the month I should have my resume up to date, and then the job search begins.  I'm hoping to have something secured by the beginning of September.  But for me, at this time, finding a job I absolutely love is not necessarily my # 1 priority.  I just need to get my feet wet and be working around that time strictly for financial purposes.  That's not to say that I won't stop searching for what it is that I'm meant to be doing.  And if I'm truly meant to be doing something I love, I believe it will come to me rather than me seeking it out.  One thing I'm sure of is that my family is at the top of my list of priorities.  They come first, and with that in mind, the search for work will begin shortly. 

this was my week:

Look!  I got my hair color to match my dress:

Are you kidding me?  I really love the cut - even the base color is a nice chestnut brown.  But those white strips gotta go.  I should have sat and waited for the girl to tone it down but Angie was tired and antsy...and all I wanted at that moment was to go home.  This is fixable, don't worry.

We've been doing a little of this:

Celebrating marriages:

 

 

We even managed to spend a day at the beach:

Not a single cloud in the sky.  It was a perfect day, except for the part when the possessed spirits hiding deep within the two year old niece decided to make their presence known on the boardwalk.  Holy hell.  I seriously understand why some kids need to wear a safety harness (leash).  That girl be crazy. 

We also saw lot's of fireworks.  My town did an amazing show, complete with a carnival type family night.  I hope all of you are enjoying your weekend.

according to spell check...'journaling' is not a word

Last Wednesday was Angie's first official summer vacation day.  That morning, we counted all the free days on the calender.  Sixty nine glorious and shiny days of freedom from the confines of a classroom.  It was enough to make her heart skip a beat.  We worked on a schedule so that her days off have some kind of structure.  There is allotted computer time, video game time, coloring and art time, reading time, and journal time.  Yes, journaling.  First grade is like the foundation of everything else to come because that's usually the year that kiddies learn to read.  It's a very exciting process, watching the transformation your kid (or any kid) makes from September to June.  Z and I caught ourselves in a moment of dumbfounded-ness when our girl wanted to read us the book before bed.  Truly, truly an amazing experience and it's setting things in motion for us.  So, back to the journaling..

I thought it would be a good idea for Angie to journal about her summer days.  I bought her a pretty notebook and sat down with her to explain how she could go about journaling.  It's a process that's unique to each individual, so I didn't want to define what it had to be for her.  Some ideas I gave her were to start in the morning and write what she might like to do that day.  If words failed her, she could draw a picture.  Then return to the same page in the evening and finish with any thoughts, new events or happenings, new ideas, new drawings.  She loved the idea.  So I sat with her through the first entry and I told her that would be all the help I would give her.  It's her project, her journal and she could do with it what she wanted.  (Even happier!!)  I'm planning to have it printed for her in book form when summer's done - and I'll save that for when she gets older.  It's a really good project, and you can do it with kids at any age.. because it doesn't have to be a written journal.  You can have your 2 or 3 year old do a drawing a day for whatever amount of time...and that would be the same thing.

I'm just happy that she's excited about it.  I wish I had some form of artistic influence when I was young, considering how much I loved to read.  My mom wasn't into any kind of hobbies that I knew of and didn't pass down or encourage much of anything except keeping our rooms clean and staying out of trouble.  My sister had a natural gift with words and began keeping journals of her own.  Her writing was always so hard to decipher though, hidden meanings and thoughts intertwined through her words.  Sometimes she reads me an entry and makes me guess what she was trying to say.  I never get it right.  Through marriages and moves, the one thing she was intent on not losing were her many journals.  I think that's beautiful.

Speaking of my sister, her wedding brunch is tomorrow.  I've been busy getting myself pretty-ied up for the occasion.  Hair done, check.  Pedicure, check.  It's a threefold process because Angie and my mother in law are girly girls too.  An afternoon of champagne, food, and dancing is definitely going to be good for me, considering that I have, like 65 more days until September.

:)

the flickr mosaic meme

I saw this on both Rachel's & Kristen's blog.  Cute and fun!!  Here’s how you play:

• type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr search.
• using only the first page, choose an image.
• copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker over at FD’s image maker.

The questions:

• What is your first name?
• What is your favorite food?
• What high school did you attend?
• What is your favorite color?
• Who is your celebrity crush?
• Favorite drink?
• Dream vacation?
• Favorite dessert?
• What do you want to be when you grow up?
• What do you love most in life?
• One word to describe you.
• Your Flickr name.

Here is the final result.  Not too shabby!!  (except that the last square opted out of sharing with the flickr toys!!)  I'll fix this up later, I'm going to the dentist now.

*Edited to add:  screw it!! I'm back from the dentist.  I tried doing it all over again, it did not work!!  So darlings, if you want to see the last pic, type "Bella" into the search field on flickr and look for a black cat on the first page.  mwah!

 

1. Bella colour festival!, 2. cevapi!, 3. Untitled, 4. orange splash, 5. jude-law, 6. Ice tea, 7. My Country, 8. Hersheys Chocolate Cake 2, 9. the brave pig is still undecided, 10. Mother & Daughter, 11. Complicate Love, 12. Bella arrived....

spc. 3

I took all my pictures for the SPC June theme in one day.  This is the last of the bunch which means, I'll have to take a few more.  How I wish I had a remote fro my camera.

For this picture, I used Raspberry Tea from the coffeeshop action pack (found on Flickr).

it's a good thing when a bad post gets deleted

Right now, the skies are a light gray and the wind is howling.  A nasty kind of storm is brewing and I guess this is what some people refer to as the 'calm before it'.  It is absolutely lovely.  Surely, this will not be the case later on.  We're expecting a crazy thunderstorm with hail and strong winds.

This morning I wrote a big long post about how I was feeling really good on the surface, but very tired and sluggish on the inside.  I spent a good amount of time this morning composing that post, choosing my words wisely because I don't want it to come across as if I'm feeling depressed.  In fact, I'm feeling the complete opposite.  I'm still really happy and hopeful and full of anticipation of what the summer months will bring.  It's just that for the past couple of days I feel like my energy has been zapped to nothing.  So, I wrote this big post and in an instant.. don't ask me how.. it deleted itself.  Initially, I was so fucking pissed and slammed my laptop shut.  After sitting and sulking for a minute, I decided that I wasn't going to feed on that energy for another second.  I got up, showered, and got myself rolling along into my routine.  I can get like that sometimes and I find that if I get up and get going, usually by force, I can pull myself out of that funky feeling.  It did work and I'm feeling a lot better.  It's such an uncomfortable feeling!!  I want to do this and that, checking things off the to do list.  I almost always end up getting absolutely nothing done.  I'm actually glad that post got deleted. 

Today I accomplished a lot of what I had been neglecting in my house.  Later, I got a big icy turbo coffee (a shot of espresso mixed with regular coffee) on my way home from picking up Angie from school.  We're sitting on the couch now, she playing her DS, me blogging.  We leave for karate in 30 minutes, and all is good.  If I have the time, I might make a trip to the bookstore tonight.  If not, I'll spend some time at the library tomorrow.  It never used to be this easy for me to pull myself back to feeling good.  But when I think about it, who else could possibly do it for me?  No book, no magic pill, no person has that kind of power except for myself.  (well, maybe a turbo coffee has a little something to do with it)  Another little surprising fact I'm loving about me.

One pair belongs to Angie, one to me.  We're almost the same size in shoes.  These are our (2 for $5) flippies, our go to slip ons for the summer.