public musings of a mama

and so it goes

All is well once again chez Bella.  My husband is back from his business trip (I think I might have already shared that tid-bit).  The Thanksgiving turkey has been bought (actually it was free when I hit the $300 mark at the grocery store) and the brine recipes are being carefully studied.  We will brine this year chez Bella, oh yes we will.

 

Here are what I expect to be the last of my fall photos.  Mother Nature did not fail in the color department this year.  NJ's landscape was truly breathtaking for a couple of months.  Now the trees are bare and the long cold months are just around the corner.  I look forward to capturing the tiny bits of beauty the months ahead have to offer.

(me & my brother, Steve)

It may be a blurry one, but I'm happy to report that my $5 sx-70 polaroid camera WORKS!!  The film costs a small fortune but I plan to splurge at least once a month for a pack if only to improve my skills.  I am thrilled with the results thus far.

This week will see our Halloween decor come down and the multiple boxes marked Christmas will see the light of day yet again.  Pie crusts will be prepared in advance and a small feast will adorn our table this Thursday as we celebrate what we are thankful for.

I am truly blessed.  There is much love within my little family in our cozy home.  I believe a post dedicated to what I am thankful for is in order... just not today.

celebrate the fantastic bits

Friday.  I once loved you simply for the long and lazy days of rest that come after you.  But now you've become a thing of the past, like sugar in my coffee ... like Marlboro Lights ... like white eyeshadow.  You're no longer my favorite day.

But within the blog world, there is good reason to celebrate you.  Friday has become, for many, a day to share the good things going on in our world.  I have many of those little bits of wonderful myself:

~ For a long, long, LONG time, we stood by waiting for it to happen.  And then, back in September, she whispered a little something into my ear.  Welcome back, my blogging friend, the drowsy fabulist, Blue Poppy.  

~ Say hello to my rockin' roller derby mama friend, Kiki.  She had an idea, an idea she would daydream about, an idea she believed in.  Now ~ her dream is real.

~This video says a lot about dreams manifesting.  It's sure to make you smile.

~ This photo.  This one too!

~ Finally, my man and partner in crime comes home tomorrow!  When he left two weeks ago, it felt as if time couldn't pass fast enough.  Now, it's Friday, the day before he comes back to me, which is definitely reason to celebrate.

Wishing you a fun and fabulous weekend!

total detour

My only purpose for opening up the laptop this evening was to search for a good banana bread recipe.  Banana muffins would work if I have the ingredients on hand.  I bought a bunch of bananas with really good intentions of bringing one to work with me each day to ward of mid-morning hunger, an attempt I failed miserably at.  Instead of searching for recipes, I opened up my picture files. 

Here I am at age 18:

(my scanner = shit)

This is the picture of me that Z keeps on his dresser.  Bella, circa '92, teased hair (check), see through top (check), bushy eye-brows (check), ready to rock out on her 18th birthday Jersey style.  That night, I thought I looked hot. 

Moving along...

 

All Angie's been talking about for the last month are the ceramic bowls the class was making in art. The process took a while (art class is sadly only once a week) but she finally got to bring home her bowl:

 

She knows her mama's favorite color!

And finally, a drawing of me by my girl:

Look how pretty I am!  I wish I had those eyebrows and that hair in my when I was 18.

whine about brine

Thoughts are swirling ~ to brine or not to brine this year's turkey?

I've heard nothing but raves when it comes to the texture and taste of a baked turkey that's been brined.  Thanksgiving will be a small gathering at our house this year, a good time to experiment.  I'm intrigued with this soy sauce technique but still, I hesitate.  It will only be the five of us and plenty of side dishes or pie if I ruin the turkey, right?  I'm thinking: brine.  What say you??  What's your menu looking like?

sunday ~ in this bubble moment

After sporadically sharing sad, nonsensical musings for a month, I think the time has come for me to get back to talking about what's real and what's making me happy.  I've got this quote from a Lily Allen song on my facebook page:  "I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner. Now everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner."  I'm a huge fan of Lily Allen's music.  Huge.  Not much of a Lily Allen fan but her music is light, airy, free, funny, and very much my taste.  When I heard her sing those words for the first time I thought damn, she and I are genuinely on the same page when it comes to our weight issues.  Through good times and bad, my weight is always on my mind (but totally NOT in an unhealthy way).

If I'm staying away from the nonsensical let me just say it:  When I came back from that lovely trip to SAW I keep raving about (and did I mention the 5 star tasting buffet of eat all you can - three times a day -delicious food we were fed for five days?) I decided to get back to working on my fitness.  (Yeah, I know... blame it on Fergie but I love saying working on my fitness).  I swear that the loose fitting cargo pants I wore on the drive up to NH were pinching my waistline on the drive home.  5 days of eating like a queen will do that, I guess.

The last couple of weeks of September up until today, I've managed to drop about  10-12 pounds by modifying my meals and light excercise.  By light I'm talking about walking, crazy dancing to music when nobody's watching, or cleaning my house.  Not the gym.  The gym is another story for another day.  I can go ahead and add stress into the mix, but that was totally unexpected and weight loss due to stress is all kinds of unhealthy.  But this is my story, and my thoughts on that are: *Shamefully enter Lily Allen quote here*

That was the real part.  This is the fun part:

Oh yeah!  Boots.  Skinny jeans.  Sweaters.  I've worked way too hard not to indulge.  Boots are a huge step out of my fashion box.  I won't even pretend I have a fashion box because if you know me, then you know I am most comfortable in a track suit and sketchers or a pair of simpleton jeans with a black top.  Those are my two, suburbun mom that blends in, staple outfits.

I don't want a certain look people associate with me - I just want to feel good in my clothes and have fun mixing combinations I normally would never wear as long as I look good in said clothes.  Fun.  Fashion and shopping should be fun, and now for me it is.  No more walking into a store and heading straight for the rack of black clothes.  Now it's all about picking something that normally I would consider a NO WAY AM I WEARING THAT and trying it on.  Lately the dressing room has become an operation shock and awe situation becuase 9 out of 10 times my pile of "buy it!" is bigger than my pile of "put that shit back."  That, my friends, has never been the norm.

I'm dabbling.  I did get new boots and a new (mustard yellow) bag.  I got rid of the simpleton jeans and replaced them with better fitting and much sleeker looking ones.  Next on the list is getting properly fitted for a bra (thank you Oprah show!) and finding panties that fit comfortably without showing lines (I can't do the string in the butt-crack thing).  Then I have to tie it all together so I can rotate and blend the new pieces with the good stuff I already own. 

This Sunday, I offer you my most straight up in this moment:  I am happy.  I feel happy.  I've worked hard to look good and feel good physically - and in this moment, I know that.  I know that I deserve to feel happy when I slip into a size 8 because two years ago, I was a  size 16 and very unhealthy.  I know that this moment is just one bubble and thousands of bubble moments will make up this day, but I choose to honor this one - this happy one - because I've let too many of them pop without so much as a glance.  I hope you enjoy every one of your bubbles today.

renew

~you are the tart tangy taste of a freshly squeezed lime under a sunbeamed sky~ darlene, aka: hippy urban girl

 

This is my little collection of reminders from a trip that seems so long ago.  It was a time when my senses awoke from their slumber and every nerve ending in my body felt electrified.  Darlene shared her story about one of my rocks here.  What I never shared with her or with anyone, is that on one of my last walks back to my cabin I saw a card on the path, the green one you see there in my picture.  I picked it up, read the words, and sighed.  Miss Darlene speaks a language I love, one where words flow like a melody of song notes blowing into the wind.  I cherish my collection of finds and gifts, holding them close when I need to look back and feel what that time at SAW meant to me.

I had a good day and a good evening which will be capped off with a manicure and some tv time, maybe some snuggles with my girl.  I feel a renewed energy emerging and I've updated my blog template to reflect what will hopefully be a change in my writing and the projects I've started.  New things, good things... are on the horizon.  I've made my wishes, I've put them out into the universe, and I'm ready to see what unfolds.

If you're still here and still reading, thank you for sticking around!

Sunday ~ in this (new) moment

Typepad just sent me an email about some new and improved features, but I've yet to read it and I can't tell what they are from this posting screen.  I'll have to catch up, again.

Catching up is all I seem to be doing these days.  With friends, the news, emails, Facebook updates, phone calls... I've been out of touch with almost everyone and everything!  Like I said before, I've retreated inward over the last month.  But - But  I am starting to feel myself unfolding and opening, coming back up for a breath of fresh air.  My spirit seeks emergence and I can do nothing to stop it :)

 

I was sitting here in my dining room one morning a few days ago when I noticed the sunrise behind the curtains.  I looked at my camera, which had been sitting on this same table for weeks gathering dust, and felt a need to capture that moment.  New day, new sunrise, new beginning.  One click set on auto - no flash was all it took. 

There's not much that stands out in this photo but it's significance for me is huge.  It was the moment, it was the click of the shutter, it was the day that I felt myself crack open, if only just for a leeetle bit.  Think about trying to squeeze water from a dry sponge.  Impossible, right?  That day I was that single, most impossible, drop of water that fell from the dried up sponge you wouldn't look at twice.

So where am I this Sunday ~ in this moment?

*I am (again) sitting at my dining room table, enjoying a new and promising sunrise.

*I am (like my skinny McPinky rose) blooming in the autumn, once more.

*I am a walking memory of heartbreak and happiness.  And I just might be seeing the light at the end of the tunnell.

*I am, after today, single parenting for 2 weeks (Z is going to Montenegro to tie up a real-estate deal).

*I am feeling good, full, enlightened, eager, and embraced by many of my friends and loved ones.

*I am back and I am ready to be friends with the here and now, with this moment, fully present just like that shiny yellow sun in the sky.  

(disclaimer - I am sad, and totally entitled to the sadness I feel that my love will be gone for 2 weeks.  But I have him to share that with because he feels it as heavily as I do.)

she's back

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou

 

Hello again!  I've neglected my blog but truth be told, I've missed it.  You see, the last month has been tumultuous, and I've turned all of my energies inward.  I'm quiet and reserved which does nothing for my creativity, my photography, and the customary sharing of my daily life here on the blog.  But in the midst of all that I face, I've found an ounce of strength to help me move forward fearlessly and undauntedly.  With every trying experience I've faced over the years I have learned one important thing about myself:  I AM COURAGEOUS.

"Today you are YOU, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than YOU." ~ Dr. Seuss quotes

And I am willing to put money on this:  That you too have buried deep within you a valiant bubble of courage waiting to be drawn upon, waiting to be tapped and burst open when you find yourself in need of it most.  Yes, you do.

"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." ~ Albert Einstein

So friends, I've shared with you what I can.  I'm here, I'm feeling tender and withdrawn, but I still have faith in the power of healing.  Over the last two years, I've done a LOT of work on myself physically and spiritually.  I know the source that needs to be drawn from lies within, and I am knocking on it's door looking for a way back on my path.  I will find my way, yet again.

i want candy !

(goodies from a party we went to last night)

Wishing you and yours a safe and Happy Halloween !!!!

5 things.

(one leaf, 3 ways ~ taken with my blackberry camera)

I haven't been blogging regularly and that's because of a couple of unexpected curves in the road of my real life.  Plus I've been busy decorating and prepping for Halloween, trying my hardest to make the experience a happy one for my girl. 

When I find myself short of words, I can always share pictures ~ and some very good things:

~ I turned 35 on October 27th.  The well wishes on Face Book, the gifts, and lunch with my friend made it a very special day for me.

~ Parties!  We're attending two Halloween parties tonight, and are spending the actual day (Sat, 31st) at our friends house.  The guy does up his entire house and lawn and invites the neighbors to walk through.  This should be fun.

~ I'm not a fan of baseball, but I always cheer for the home team.  My favorite part of last night's game? This. I love that song.

~ Box hair dye for my whites.  Calling them grays would be lying.  I have stray white hairs growing in.  Box dye is my savior.

~ Love.  Because even when times are turbulent, the love I share with my guy is what keeps me grounded and feeling secure.