ss - goodbye

What seems like a lifetime ago, I fell madly in love with a guy I could never have.  He came into my life unexpectedly, at a time when I had outgrown a very immature phase and I was slowly stepping into the role of young woman.  This was a time where I was experiencing new feelings, love in particular, for the first time.

His eyes were beautiful.  I wasn't even aware of myself as I stared at him and our eyes danced together, exchanging flirtatious glances.  When I expected him to turn away, he stared more intensely.  I tried to look away, hard as that was, only to look back at him and find his gaze still fixated on me.  He was always smiling, but I sensed his hesitation.  This was not supposed to be happening to him, or to me.

On the occasions that we were together, we were almost never left alone.  We were part of a crowd, but I felt as if it were only he and I, alone in our battle.  I know he was fighting off his feelings for me, but his eyes always spoke what he could never say.  When he held my hand, he was grasping on to me, looking for a way to never let go.  I knew he was struggling and questioning himself.  He had worked hard to be in the position that he was and it would never have been fair of me to take that away from him.  Nor would it have been fair for him to keep me waiting at an arms distance for him.  It was a hopeless situation.  The love we shared was real, but it was the wrong time for us.

One time, things worked out in a way where we had the chance to be alone for a short while.  I knew this was it, the only time we could talk of our feelings and explore what we knew to be a deep and spiritual connection.  But those words never came.  We were driving in a car, and for a long time we were silent.  I can't say there wasn't tension, but it wasn't the kind where we didn't know what to say.  We didn't know how to say what we were feeling.  I guess he felt that the moment was right to pull over and finally confess what I knew to be true.  We looked at each other for a long time before he leaned over and kissed me.  I could feel his words without him speaking, and I returned his advances as fervently as he came to me.  Time stood still for us during those few moments we shared.  But damn time, because time was our enemy.

In the night, I thought about him so much that his sweet face carried over into my dreams.  He would remain there for a long time after leaving to go on back to school.  Our goodbye was bittersweet.  We were surrounded by people and he saved the last hug for me.  I couldn't stop my tears from falling as I buried my face into his neck.  This is where I wanted to stay, breathing him in and holding him.  But he had to leave, and as he stood back and looked at me, I could see his beautiful eyes well with tears.  It was a sad goodbye, one that left my core so badly broken for a long, long time.

I received letters, but I never saw him again.  He stays in a very special place in my heart.  I haven't thought about him in a very long time.  I've tried to explain him to a chosen few, but they could never understand it.  It doesn't matter anymore.  Time finally healed me, and soon after what was my first heartache and first sad goodbye, the right person came along.

Read more scribbles here.

Comments

[sognatrice]

Time plays tricks on all of us, doesn't it? In the moment, we want so much to fight against it, but our hearts always know when to stay and struggle and when to leave and survive. It's listening that's the hard part. Excellent read, thanks :)

[Becca]

Your last line told the whole story - that sad goodbye paved the way for your real true love.
How true that when a door closes, another one opens :)

Wonderfully written post, Bella!

[melba]

Beautifully told;
this brought back some memories for me of my own good-bye.

[Irene]

beautiful entry Bella.

[Tammy]

Your story was written with such heart and honesty that I totally felt your connection. You have a talent kiddo! Well done!

[Paris Parfait]

Such a lovely, bittersweet story, beautiful Bella!