day 13, the lesson

There is always a lesson waiting for me to pick up on.  I'm learning that.  I walk away from situations sometimes not completely aware of what just happened, and then a few weeks later after wondering and questioning, the lesson slowly creeps in.  An "a-ha" moment, if you will.  In some cases, it's taken me years before I'm stopped in my tracks and struck by surprise.  There it is, a lesson so obvious it's almost slapping me on the head.  I'm naive in a lot of ways.  Very, very green to the world.  I like to think I catch on quickly but it's just not that way for me.  I will laugh at a joke five minutes after you tell it to me.
Yesterday, I had one of those moments.  It was enlightening and heartfelt and wonderful.  I was going about my day, ticking off errands on a small to do list when I came to the realization that I need to stop being sorry about the things I have in my life, the things I've accomplished, the things I'm learning, the things I want to do, the things I want to learn, the things I do for people, and the things that people do for me.  I deserve them.  I am deserving of them.  I deserve goodness and kindness and love the same way any other person does. 
I haven't had an easy life but in the same breath I can say that it hasn't been hard either.  It's been a good life, full of ups and downs and in betweens.  I have a very good, solid, confident, loving, gorgeous man that loves me.  Loves me.  He loves me in ways that are incomprehensible, ways not justified by words.  He loves me in ways that are so deep and thoughtful that sometimes I feel what I have to offer him is much smaller in comparison.
I have a daughter who has been the biggest blessing in my life.  Sometimes I sit and stare at her, totally in awe of her beauty, her kindness, her curiosity, her wickedness, her rambunctiousness, her wit, her fearlessness, her pride, her bas-ass-ness.  She is vibrant and healthy and the shining sun in my life.
My family, who have their own share of problems, and who maybe a little cooky, are always there for me when I need them.  That's been the one constant with my family and I feel lucky because of it.
I have a handful of really great girlfriends that I can count on for almost anything.  And ditto for them because I would help these girls at the drop of a hat.
I spend a lot of time wondering if I'm good enough or why I would consider myself worthy for a lot of things.  This is bullshit and I came to that realization during a moment of clarity yesterday.  I give a lot and it's ok to receive.  I love hard and deep so now, I will allow myself to accept the same love back without withholding or distance.  I deserve to be happy.  I deserve it.  I really deserve it.  And now, I'm going to live my life accepting that.  This has been one of my biggest lessons.  I let my heart open up and in came flooding so many truths.  I am, so darn happy to share this with you. xo

Comments

[leah]

what a huge lesson!! it's one i've learned and need to keep on learning as i seem to continually forget. :-)

sending loads of love for you to receive! :-) xoxo

[leah]

what a huge lesson!! it's one i've learned and need to keep on learning as i seem to continually forget. :-)

sending loads of love for you to receive! :-) xoxo

[Marilyn]

Deservingness is a HUGE lesson. Good for you!!! xoxo

[Irene]

Amen my friend! xoxo

[kristen]

Just catching up here...I'm so glad honey, for you. You are so deserving but to know that, own it...how empowering! The moments of being able to recognize what we need and what we have so make the ups and downs worthwhile. xo

[Becca]

I'm sure glad to hear you've come to that realization - it sounds like the universe knows it too, and has given you some very (well deserved!) blessings!

I wish many more for you, my dear :)

[Leslie]

Oh Bella, this IS a perfect post. I came over from Michelle's link and am so glad that I did. Congratulations on your 'epiphany' and on the inevitable days when you aren't really feeling it, remember to come back and read it to yourself again. You deserve it :)!

[Melba]

I came over from Michelle's list because I wanted to know what post you picked that expresses you . I assumed I had read it since I have been reading your blog for a while now ~ but I guess I missed this one.
What a beautiful post. I totally and completely relate and understand. I am glad I got the chance to read it today.
XO,
Melba

[Rachel]

I came over from Michelle's list, too. I want to read all the other links before I submit my own. Last week was Valentine's Day and I also found myself wrestling with this concept of deserving good things and love for myself despite so readily giving them out to others. This is a big lesson for me, too. I think I'm still filling out the worksheet hoping I fully grasping the lesson soon.

[Rachel]

I came over from Michelle's list, too. I want to read all the other links before I submit my own. Last week was Valentine's Day and I also found myself wrestling with this concept of deserving good things and love for myself despite so readily giving them out to others. This is a big lesson for me, too. I think I'm still filling out the worksheet hoping I fully grasping the lesson soon.

[Rachel]

I came over from Michelle's list, too. I want to read all the other links before I submit my own. Last week was Valentine's Day and I also found myself wrestling with this concept of deserving good things and love for myself despite so readily giving them out to others. This is a big lesson for me, too. I think I'm still filling out the worksheet hoping I fully grasping the lesson soon.