things i learned

It's difficult to not be affected by the spring time lovelies that are blooming at such a quick speed all around me.  Everywhere I look, bursts of color pepper yards, parks, and walkways.  This is becoming my ultimate favorite time of the year, which is a big statement for a hardcore fall/winter loving girl.

And yet, despite the inspiring colors outside, despite the gratitude I feel for the health and love of my family, despite the overall great and happy place I've worked hard to arrive at, an old and familiar sad feeling has crept in.  It wasn't unexpected.  I did something that resulted in me getting involved in a chain of events that ultimately led to me feeling like this.  It only takes one phone call, as I've come to learn.

This is the deal.  I haven't talked to my mom since Thanksgiving.  She has a lot of issues with me and a lot of unresolved issues from her past that she has never worked out.  Immediately after our breakup I went through a rough period.  I felt abandoned, unloved, and sad.  How does a person deal with their mother cutting them off like that?  She refused my phone calls, refused to talk to me.. just cut me off. 

It took me a while to come to the realization that this was all of her shit and I was just getting the nasty end of it.  A little background:  she does have addiction issues along with issues of denial.  But she's my mom.  As damaged and broken as our relationship was, I still loved her and wanted little pieces of her.  Any child of an addict will tell you that their greatest hope is that their parent would reach out for help.  I, along with my siblings, have been waiting for years.  It hasn't happened.  So here I am, a mama myself, in my 30's, still holding on to that one last thread of hope that one day she will reach out.  During that time after Thanksgiving, I worked so hard to let go of her and allow the problems and the hurt to lift up off of my hands.  I really did let go of her and worked on resolving my own internal issues and healing a lot of the wounds my heart endured over the last twenty or so years.

Not easy.  Totally not easy, but I made a lot of progress.  It's now months later and I feel that I'm in a much more positive space than I've ever been.  During the months we were apart, I would hear stories second hand through my siblings about her steady decline.  Last week, it got bad.  So bad that I decided I should call her.  I couldn't allow things to unfold as they were without speaking to her.  So I did call her and she spoke to me as if nothing had happened, as if we talked just yesterday.  This was hurtful because there was no acknowledgment on her part of what had happened between us, and weird..weird as hell.. because I was seeing/hearing first hand that she was really mentally affected by all of the abuse she had done to herself and her body.  Her brain just doesn't function normally and it's so sad to see her like this.

When a person is mentally as fucked up as she is, they tend to suck you into their little world and all of it's dramas.  I've been there many times and fallen back into that place with her, but this time I refused.  I did take my daughter over for a visit with her because she knows nothing of the issues with her Nana and she really wanted to see her.  That one phone call and that one visit was enough for me.  There were moments that I felt myself falling backwards and trying to please her, but really, there is no pleasing her.  She's at a place in her life where all she wants to do is destruct herself, her life, and take pleasure in feeling like the victim of some grand conspiracy against her.  As fucked up as it sounds, that is her life right now.  I walked away knowing that I was so done with her.  Something happened in those months, something miraculous that made it easy for me to walk away and feel ok to be walking away. 

She's my mom and I'll always love her.  But I can't help her and I can't save her.  I really get that now.  I'll always have that little bit of hope that she will get help and get better.  My responsibilities lie with myself and my little family and I only want to be surrounded by people who make me feel good.  People like me who are living, learning, and growing.  People who make mistakes and do what they can to amend them and learn from them.  People who are in search of the beauty in the most unlikely of places.  People who see light in any kind of darkness - or at least they're trying to find it.  This is why despite all that's good in my life right now, I feel a little sadness.  My mother is missing out on so much, her life is just slipping on by, and she can never get that time back.

If there's one thing I've learned over the past months while working through my feelings over relationship with my mom, it's this:  Good and bad things will come up, will happen to the best of us.  Sometimes these things will be hard to deal with, sometimes not so hard.  But deal with them because the issues are guaranteed to play a recurring role in your life if you leave them alone.  And while you're dealing, don't forget to live.  Stand outside your door and breathe in the fresh air and know that every cell in your body craves beauty and goodness.  Look around you... recognize and familiarize yourself with your surroundings.  Try hard, because sometimes it is painfully hard, to be present in each moment.  And open your eyes because sometimes you will see amazing and beautiful things.

Comments

[Sarah]

Liz .. I should pass along your post to a friend of mine who's dealing with family crap too - very inspiring! And while part of me is sad too, that you cannot get through to you mom .. the other part of me is glad that you can bring yourself out of that and really be there for YOUR daughter!

[Kassi]

Hi Bella, I unfortunately can completely relate. while my mom does not have an addiction, I believe that she has a mental illness that debilitates her from seeing that she is ostricizing herself from so much - namely me, my husband, and our children (her grandchildren). She can't see past herself to try and establish a relationship, and I have given up putting myself out there to try - only to be slapped in the face again and again. I can't keep doing that to myself, and I am glad that you have made that decision as well. I think that the only thing I CAN do is pray for my mom, and hope some day she finally decides that we are important enough to her to take the time.

[Becca]

I'm no stranger to dysfunctional parental relationships - I'm seeing the effects of one with my husband and his mother, who now has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember that he even exists.

I'm sad you're going through this, but I'm happy to see you're breaking the cycle with your own daughter. She's so lucky to have you!

[Nancy Jinks]

I'm so sad for you and I see my grandchildren dealing with this same issue with my son. What you said about any child of an addict hoping that their parent will seek help rang in my heart, as also the parent of an addict feels the same way! So I pray for your mother and for you, as I pray for my son and his children.

[Toryssa]

And open your eyes because sometimes you will see amazing and beautiful things.

Beautiful and amazing things that you won't be able to get back. This is so profound in it's simplicity. It sounds so easy, but we all know it's not.

You are doing well, friend.

[Rachel]

Bella- I can relate to so much of what you're saying here but don't want to go too deep in a comment. Maybe next time to get together for coffee. You sound like you are in a strong place right now. Good for you, honey.

[melba]

Wow. Look at the amazing strides you have made!
I think just because we have forgiven someone and even still love them does not always mean we must have an ongoing relationship (interation) with that person.
I think this is difficult for many people to understand.
My grandmother does not understand why if I say I have forgiven my father (her son) and say I love him that I still don't want to interact with him. She wants me to send him cards, call him, visit him and his wife (who although I have also forgiven it is a stretch to say I love her...other than when I am thinking about how we are all connected and there fore I love everyone)
Because it is just a toxic relationship for me that I have learned after all these years is best to make peace with as is...my heart is open, but so are my eyes.

Hey, how did this become all about me? ;)
I guess to say I understand and I feel you and know you are living your life in an authentic way and it is beautiful to witness as beautiful as spring flowers...

XO,
Melba

[Brenda]

Liz,
I truly don't come here often, but I do tend to come when the board is slow. There's a lot of familiar wisdom in this post that could benefit many. It's odd that I can relate to what you're describing - sad, kind of, because I've been so blessed with good function in my family - but this is what happens in life, and many of us will find it familiar. There's inspiration in your words, for which I am always grateful when I come here. You truly have a lovely, feminine optimism that blesses me. I think the one thought to add is that we must find a balance in our relationships. It's okay to invest heart (not our whole lives)in those we love, our dysfunctional family, but we will never be strong to do that unless we have other relationships that build us up and give us strength. I have finally learned of the power of girlfriends!

[holli]

sigh. what a strangely paralleled post - I wish we could just hang out and talk.. somehow I think it would help both of us. I wonder if this will be my niece someday.. only I don't - because I could have written this about my sister right now. we had to leave, get away from the conspiracies so we weren't a part of them anymore - I'm actually scared to go back.

I'm so glad you have the perspective you do to see it's the addiction that's caused so much destruction and drama..

I loved your reminder at the end. so. very. true.

love to you.

[Elizabeth]

I know I tell you this everytime I comment-- but WO-MAN!! You are so strong and smart and beautiful. Wow. That is no easy relationship to figure out and come out of standing strong and yet, look at you. So strong. And SUCH a great mama yourself-- you are awesome.