public musings of a mama

many acts led to the number

There were a couple of things I wanted to do before September rolled around.  One was to become a little more computer savvy.  I'm going back to work when Angie goes back to school, and I need to brush up on some of my computer skills.  Thank god for tutorials.  There's a tutorial for almost anything now on the internet.  From arts and crafts, to cooking, to fixing a car... you can learn it if you find a tutorial for it.  At my last job, I worked mostly with MS Excel and PowerPoint, and over the last seven years these programs have changed.  I'll spend a couple of hours per week working and testing out the MS Office programs, like oiling a squeaking, rusted door. 

Another program I wanted to tackle was Photoshop, which for me was overwhelming.  My girlfriend who works in graphic design said it was a complicated program that can do ten great things in a thousand different ways.  I bought a little book on the CS3 program, read through some great tutorials, and I have to say that in two months I have learned so much.  You can branch out and do so many different things with this program, it's really a constant learning experience.

The other really, really important thing I wanted to do was to lose weight.  Aah, the struggle of my adult life.  There was a moment last year when my head and my heart were in perfect harmony over the delicate issue that my weight had become.  Always supported by my family, I began taking a series of baby steps that would kick start a dramatic journey towards a healthier life, a healthier me.  I cannot even begin to tell you how much I have changed (physically and in my head space).  I want to be honest and tell you that when I started out, I was wearing a size 14 that was tight and the size 16 was feeling comfy.  I don't think I'll ever be able to tell you my weight number starting out, that has only been told to a chosen few.  But think about it, size 14-16 wearing girl who stands all of 5 feet 2 inches tall?  I was big.  So, since making the changes in my food selections and adding some workouts, I have lost a grand total of 53 pounds.  I feel funny saying that, like it's some foreign thing that happened to another person, but... it's me.  I did this.  I am proud of this really big thing.  I lost 53 pounds.  I own that and I am beaming over the work I did to be able to say that.

Yesterday I put on a pair of my sister's size 8 jeans, and they fit me.  I was bouncing around the house, happy as a freakin' clam.  But that is just icing on the cake.  My blood pressure, cholesterol, and all the rest of my numbers from my last blood work analysis are down.  My monthly thing isn't as weird and crazy as it was before (less PMS posts!!)  I feel lighter and less blobby when I sit.  My kid can reach all the way around and clasp her hands together when she holds me tight (that one made me cry).  Z gets even better benefits from his lighter, more limber, acrobatic partner ;-)  I didn't just write that, did I?

Jessie, who I love dearly, has a beautiful Be Brave project she's invited people to share in.  I've been hesitant to join her because failure on a public level has always frightened me.  But what I'm noticing now is that failure is part of being brave.  In her most recent post, she writes about how she waited on getting her laptop fixed for over two months because of this reason or that reason... and in taking one step, she had her laptop on the road to getting fixed with help from the computer techs in a matter of minutes.  It took minutes to start fixing the problem that she had been putting off.  OK, so it's a small act of bravery but to me, it spoke volumes.  I think that it's fear that holds people back from their own true potential.  (please go check out her blog and read about what she has been able to accomplish in less than one year by being brave).

What I can say about myself is that I did (and still do) have many fears that I brushed to the side in attempt to reach out for something new.  I stepped out of my box and tried something else that worked.  I've been brave in my own way and while it may be the road less traveled, it definitely leads to a place where I can look back and feel good about the choices I made getting there.  I feel ready to be brave in my everyday life because now, fear doesn't control me.  A while back, I wrote about a friend of mine that owns a gallery who had invited me to show my flower photos.  While the invite was flattering, I was frozen with fear at the thought of doing something like that.  It doesn't scare me anymore and she left the invitation open for when I was ready.  Am I ready??????  I think so.  Sometimes, for me, hitting the publish button on this blog is an act of bravery.

crashing waves

~Monday morning.  Humid morning.  Back aching.~

Everyday that we spent at the seashore was perfect.  It rained once for a couple of hours in the morning, but the afternoon skies cleared up enough for the sun to peek her pretty head out.  We couldn't have wished for better weather.  This of course made conditions perfect for swimming in the sparkly blue Atlantic.  (Here begins my aching back story...)  The ocean was quite rough.  We had been hearing stories on the news about the ripple effects a certain hurricane was having on the Jersey shore.  The waves were ferociously angry, crashing down on the surf with a force I'd never seen.  The news coverage was not good at all.  We were told about strong riptides, missing swimmers, and drownings.  I did test the waters a couple of times when the lifeguards had their yellow flags up (swim with caution).  Whoa.  The kids were not allowed to swim without me so I made the decision that, NO, we would not be swimming until later in the week when things would finally calm down.  In the meantime, the three girls could play in the sand where the water washed over their feet and my sister and I could have a good view of where they were at all times.

OK, so later on in the week, the kids were begging me to go swimming.  The waves had calmed down a lot and the water temperature was a divine 70 degrees.  We head into the water cautiously.  My older niece dives into the waves and swims out beyond where they break, which is what you want to do.  Angie and I follow behind her, holding hands.  I see what I think is a perfect moment to dive in and Angie yells for me not to... the wave is too big.  Nonsense, little girl.  I wish I had listened to her.  We both got caught in the middle of a huge wave that was cresting over.  It sucked us under, the force strong enough to rip our grip apart.  The wave twisted me in a way that I felt my back go numb.  It pounded me down into the sand underwater, my knee slamming really hard into the ground.  One more round of twisting and then it spit me out onto the sand.  My first thought was 'where is my kid?'.  Luckily, she was right next to me, but she was crying and telling me how the same exact thing happened to her.  We sat on the sand totally in shock over the whole experience.

My body was in pain for the next couple of days.  Not enough pain to be worried or visit a doctor.  No, it was a sore kind of dull ache pain.  Angie was fine the day after the experience but would not go back in the water for the rest of our time there.  She was really shook up and scared by the whole thing.  I thought the salty water would be good for my muscles so I went back in for many more dips and swims with my older niece.  I was just a lot more careful.

(post wave beating warriors)

It's so good to be home and sleeping in my own bed again.  My sleeping place has to be comfy, so I will spend good money on 600 or 800 thread count sheets (from a discount place like TJ Maxx).  I love my bed, it's a king sized, double pillow top mattress.  It's beautiful and plush for sleeping, but not so good if your back hurts to begin with.  While I was gone, I won a contest.  Loretta, (or Mrs. Pom) was giving away a gift certificate to Borders and all you had to do to be entered was post your summer reading list.  I'm so using this gift card towards the new Stephanie Meyer book... which I have already reserved a copy.

Today, Angie has a swimming party to go to.  I'm getting used to being back home and having my beautiful internet connection again.  I'm still catching up with the blog reading.  A lot of you are enjoying your time at BlogHer.  Drop me a comment and tell me what's up and how you're doing!! x's and o's.

sand between my toes

Hello again.  I'm just back from a lovely seven day beach vacation.  It was amazing!  The weather was sunny and breezy, absolutely perfect.  I'll be playing catch up for a few days because I had no internet connection.  In the meantime, here are a few pictures.

going away

On VACATION !!!!

I'll be back next Saturday.  Enjoy your week!!

 

what's ahead

One needs something to believe in, something for which one can have whole-hearted enthusiasm.  One needs to feel that one's life has meaning, that one is needed in this world. ~Hannah Senesh

I've been thinking a lot about what direction I'm going in.  At the end of the month I should have my resume up to date, and then the job search begins.  I'm hoping to have something secured by the beginning of September.  But for me, at this time, finding a job I absolutely love is not necessarily my # 1 priority.  I just need to get my feet wet and be working around that time strictly for financial purposes.  That's not to say that I won't stop searching for what it is that I'm meant to be doing.  And if I'm truly meant to be doing something I love, I believe it will come to me rather than me seeking it out.  One thing I'm sure of is that my family is at the top of my list of priorities.  They come first, and with that in mind, the search for work will begin shortly. 

this was my week:

Look!  I got my hair color to match my dress:

Are you kidding me?  I really love the cut - even the base color is a nice chestnut brown.  But those white strips gotta go.  I should have sat and waited for the girl to tone it down but Angie was tired and antsy...and all I wanted at that moment was to go home.  This is fixable, don't worry.

We've been doing a little of this:

Celebrating marriages:

 

 

We even managed to spend a day at the beach:

Not a single cloud in the sky.  It was a perfect day, except for the part when the possessed spirits hiding deep within the two year old niece decided to make their presence known on the boardwalk.  Holy hell.  I seriously understand why some kids need to wear a safety harness (leash).  That girl be crazy. 

We also saw lot's of fireworks.  My town did an amazing show, complete with a carnival type family night.  I hope all of you are enjoying your weekend.

list friday makes a comeback.

Enjoying:

~warm apple & cinnamon cream of wheat~ LINK

~blushing cherry blossom shower gel~ LINK

~cool, gloomy weather right before an expected heatwave~

~pink body mist~ LINK

~pedicures & flip flops~

~Heart~ (this song especially)

I've got a knot of anxiety in my stomach.  Today I've got to pay the bills and buy a bathing suit.  You know that feeling, don't you?  You get what I'm talking about?  Yeah.

Have a wonderful weekend internet friends.

dripping roses

A girlfriend of mine owns a gallery/studio/boutique and she wants me to do a show of my flower photos.  Wow.  I told her that I don't have the confidence to show my pictures in that kind of setting and I'll tell you why.  I'm not about technique when I'm using a camera.  I do fiddle with the settings and try to manually get a good shot so that I don't have to adjust much more than maybe a little color later on.  I try to capture the hidden beauty and overlooked happenings that surround me.  It freaking' excites me to take 50 pictures of a single rose.  I don't know much about camera/photography technique but I am trying to learn in my spare time.  Photo magazines have been a huge help.  So, if I were to show my pictures, I think I would die if anyone asked me about technique.  What would I say?  That's the only reason why I said no.  And the girl called me on it telling me it was such a bullshit excuse.  This is a fun hobby for me and that's what I need to get across to anyone who asks me about any of my pictures.  I will learn about technique as I go along, but for the time being, you're just gonna have to know that this captured image of mine is nothing more than a really, really fantastic accident.  I'm comfortable with that, so maybe sometime in the future I will take her up on her offer.  It was totally flattering and exiting that she even put the offer out there to me.

Last year when I did the Art Everyday month with Leah, I really got into painting.  It was so therapeutic and calming for me.  Then I started taking pictures for fun - added work outs and exercise for my health - and I can't tell you how much these little changes and hobbies have helped me.  In the past, I've always strived for perfection.  I am so seeing now that nothing is perfect - there is no such thing as perfect.  I won't ever paint a perfect picture, keep a perfect house, have clear beautiful pores... not even close.  The difference is that now, I don't care.  Saturday night, I shared a long talk and a bottle of wine with one of my oldest friends who is realizing the same things as I am.  We can let go of our ideals and sick standards we've imposed on ourselves and enjoy life a lot more being totally present and content in a very messy moment.. or fret and bitch to ourselves that something is not perfect enough, thinking about the next thing we have to do.  How did I ever live like that?  God.... life is so much more less complicated now.  More laid back.  More enjoyable.

A little link sharing, perhaps?  I found the cutest website run by a woman who is really into packing lunches the Japanese bento way.  You have to take a peek.  Everything is so colorful and simply prepared.  This is an awesome way to pack a lunch and use up leftovers - especially now for mama's who will be soon spending long days by the pool, lake, or beach.  There seems to be a little bit of everything in one little lunch box.  The accessories are cute too.

OK, I am off to enjoy the rest of my day. 

it was all good

We had a great time on Monday.  The kids soaked up the coolness of my new blow up pool, played in the sun, and caused all kinds of havoc at my house.  The adults all chilled out - me with my many wine coolers (hey, it was a holiday weekend), my sis & Z with coffee (lightweights).  My dad dropped by just in time to eat along with my step-brother and his girlfriend.

Mom is home from the hospital.  She feels good and is recovering just fine.  I don't know what happened to her while she was there, but she's changed.  She's being very nice and not at all like the way she's known to act.  It's a nice change.

My angel goes back to school tomorrow.  Today she learned how to ride her bike without training wheels.  She is feeling so totally cool right now.

A great, great weekend.  And this is only the beginning.  Summer is looking to be a wonderful season.

things happen

Today was long and left me feeling out of sorts.  My mom had an operation on Friday for a hernia and a hole that burst in her lower intestine.  I still don't know the specifics of what happened to her but I will find out more next week (all I do know right now is that this is internal stuff stemming from a car accident she had last week).  She's ok, recovering after her surgery.  My siblings and I went to visit her at the hospital this afternoon.  We brought her a fresh pair of p.j.'s and her reading glasses.  It's crazy how you can be out of contact with someone and then the freakiest thing brings you back together.  I'm ruled by my heart, so when I got the call, my immediate reaction was to run to her.  She'll be ok, she just needs a lot of rest and relaxation to get better.

Needless to say, I was not in the best of moods today.  I had a big headache and a knot of anxiety in my stomach.  Angie wanted my attention and I had none to give her.  My routines were off and constantly interrupted.  I think it was the preconceived ideas I had before going to visit my mom.  I wasn't sure what to expect because she's been so unpredictable.  Her temperament is up and down from one end of the spectrum to the other.  I'm just glad we went to see her and were able to sit with her for a while.  Nothing was brought up or discussed and it's better that way.

The weekend so far has been lovely.  Angie slept over by her cousin's giving Z and myself a night off.  The next day we had the cousins sleep here so my sister could enjoy a semi-night off (she still had her 2 year old to watch over).  The kids spent a lot of time outside doing fun stuff.  The weather's been so delightfully perfect.  Tomorrow, my dad and his peeps are coming over to eat, something I'm really looking forward to.  I'll wake up early, go out for some groceries, and come back to prepare a mini feast for my family.  I'll fill up the little swimming pool in the morning so that by the time the kids arrive, the water will be warmed up by the sun.  I'll let these anxieties go and enjoy sitting out on the patio with the people I love and I'll say a little prayer for my mom to get better.