I wear many different hats. I'm a mama, a wife, a sister, daughter, friend, and confidant. I am the crypt keeper with a soul as deep as the World Bank vault that will hold your secrets for an eternity. Yet, with all of these predefined roles I play, I find it hard to locate my core and claim with certainty exactly who I am. I believe I am nice and sympathetic to my family and friends. Bella is always the one who has the right words to comfort, according to the people I care about.
(me, 1983, 3rd grade)
Growing up, I had a memory book that recorded all of the milestones over my academic career. Another trip to Mom's house gave me access to this book and I started looking through it last night. Each year, there was a space given to write about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had very vivid and decisive dreams for myself when I was young. I wanted to be a nurse, a teacher, a singer, etc. Later on, as I grew older, I went back to these books and crossed out whatever I had previously written and in that place I wrote that I wanted to be "a regular housewife". Mom was not happy that I had let my dreams go and settled (according to her) for the mundane. But to me, being a housewife was far from mundane. Watching what my mom did everyday was exciting to me. She had the free time to take care of the house and always be there when my siblings and I came home from school. She shuttled us to sports, to the mall, and to play dates. She had her girlfriends over once a week to watch Dynasty. She threw elegant dinner parties. Back in the day, she was the bomb and my biggest role model. That's when I started thinking that I would love to live my life like her. It wasn't boring in the least, there was always something going on and mom was the one that kept the machine that was our household running. I admired her and if it was at all possible, I wanted to live like her.
Fast forward to today. I didn't finish college because of financial difficulties, and I slipped into the same roll Mom once held. The difference between she and I is that I know I have options. After reading an article on the best jobs to have that offer awesome insurance and 401K packages to part time workers, I know I have the opportunity to go back to work and contribute to our household financially, with the bonus perks I didn't know existed for part-timer's. I can pick up my college career and start going back to school. That is my ultimate dream, but it's something I have to hold back on for the time being. I have to, right now, believe in the possibilities that can come to fruition one day.
For now, I am content with where I am. I have the support of Z loves to give me ideas with regard to which direction to go in, but at the same time, loves to have me relax and enjoy the little bit of free time that I have now that Angie's in school. I know I can travel, I know I can work - and I plan on doing both sometime in the future. For now.. my name is Bella (real name Elizabeth), a sensitive and compassionate soul who is enjoys watching day to day life unfold and who is patiently waiting for the right opportunity to come up and tempt me.
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