I've spent the last couple of days getting Angie ready for school. That's why there was no post yesterday, but there are two today, so that counts for something - right? I wasn't going to write another post today, but I had to. You see, I met a blogger. Well, it's more like I lurked on this person's blog for a long, long time today. I read the archives all morning (stalker!!!), something I don't usually do. I could not turn away from this person and the story that they had to tell.
I have never, in my 2 short years of blogging, come across a blog as raw and as honest as this one I discovered. I was in awe of the way the person writes (beautifully, like a peaceful, flowing river). The reading was light and easy yet very intricate and meaningful. I cried a lot while reading the entries because of the truth that lay between the sentences. My truth and my story doesn't, at all, resemble this person's story. We couldn't be more different. But throughout the words, there was one theme playing like a broken record - living your truth, living as your authentic self.
Do you know how hard it is to be honest and what it involves to live honestly? What that entails is something I have not been able to achieve yet. I haven't peeled back all of my layers - here on this blog or in real life. There is not one person in my life who knows me entirely. The people or family members that love me think they know me, and to a certain degree, they do. I would say that my two closest confidants (Z and my sister) know me better than anyone else does, and that's not even close to knowing me completely. There is so much yet to be revealed, so much yet to be explored, so much yet.. I trick myself into thinking I can avoid knowing the real me. If I were to embark on a journey of sorts, learing about me and letting go of the fear I have of letting other people know me, I would have to let go and jump on board a crazy train, without knowing where I would end up. Control, gotta love it, but it stifles me. I allow myself to know just enough about me to feel comfortable. I feel like I can somehow shove my past down a very deep well and fetch little buckets of it up when I need it. It's like trying to put a puzzle together but you don't have all the pieces. And hell, will I ever have all of the pieces? I know what my past is. I own it and I accept it, but I don't often talk about it.
There are several times in my life that I can look back on now and realize that those moments were BIG. They were moments that changed everything. There wasn't a right or wrong path for me. I took a lot in without letting much out while I kept on schlepping on with life.
Reading this new blog today had me feeling really small and very humbled. I'm inspired. I'm sad for the time I wasted not knowing me and not being able to reveal all of me to the ones I love. I have so much work to do if I want to live authentically. I wonder if I could do this. I don't want to start something I won't be able to finish (not that there's a finish in sight, but I just like to let it be known that I'm not good at finishing things I start).
I said that I felt inspired, and indeed I do. I want to share my truth and my story, not only with my loves, but here in this blog. I often wondered what kind of blogger I was - a mommy blogger? a creative blogger? a snarky, sassy blogger with not a whole lot to say? a poser? a wanna-be? a normal girl? I believe that I am all of these and then some, which leaves me without a catagory to fit myself into. (This feelings also came to mind when I decided to ask for help in making a blog banner).
What I need to do is start, and I'm a great starter. There are goals that have been set with no time limit to achieve them in. I need to be disciplined yet easy with myself without too many expectations. I hardly live up to the ones I set for myself on the daily so I don't expect a whole lot of myself in the long run. But I am committed. I will take all the time I need to stop being so (I want to say fake, fictitious, fraudulent....) evasive.. much better. I will offer the world me, the good bits and the yucky bits. I can only say that although the road may be a crazy, bumpy one... it might be worth sticking around to see just what kind of me emerges.
*I cried a lot today because after reading some entires in this newly discovered blog, I know the truth is that I'll never know my father. This makes me so sad. I know him just *this* much which is not enough for me. I still have time, I know. I hope that our relationship grows and that one day when he's not here anymore, I will be able to look back on our years together and feel good about the effort I put into knowing him, and laughing with him.*
(I have no idea how I would comment on an entry like this, so if you don't have the words for a comment, I totally understand).