public musings of a mama

we have a blessed bunny

I don't know what is going on but I swear it feels like a June-ish day.  It's all sun shiny and gorgeous outside.  The magnolias, according to my dad, will be in full bloom on the 4th.  He said I should bring my camera over to get more shots for my photo project.  I love that he's as excited as I am!  So far, I've managed to get some great shots.

We had our pastor from church come over to bless the house.  If you know anything about the Serbian Orthodox religion, then you know that I can barely breathe from the thick incense smoke swirling through every room.  Our bunny and our gerbil were blessed which made Angie one happy pet mama.

I've been fooling around on my Photoshop working with the different brushes and such.  After much trial and error, I think I've figured out how to make a blog banner and side bar buttons.  I will definitely try to make a new banner for my blog if that's the case. 

~gist # 3~

~iced coffee...
~websites that give you free photoshop paint brushes !! (LOVE!)
~my honey said I looked cute today
~taking Angie for an ice cream sundae after school
~the quiet.. especially right now when i need it most

fly high

(sunset captured on Polaroid film)

I've had a lot going on and so much stuff on my mind.  Yesterday was killer.  I was driving over to my mom's house and talking to a friend on the cell phone.  The next thing I know, I'm being flagged down by a cop on a motorcycle.  Caught!!  I should have known.  I saw a cop drive by me going the opposite direction like 5 seconds before.  No.. I should have been using my ear/mouth-piece which was in my pocketbook.  There are hands-free driving laws I should be following.  With everything that's been going on and having it build up within, I broke down and cried in front of the officer.  It helped, I guess, because I got a ticket warning (which gets filed so that I cannot get another!) but I wasn't trying to get out of it.  I just had a crying attack at the right time.  When it's all bundled up, you never know when it's gonna burst out of you.  Poor cop.

I'm frustrated as hell, I'm nervous, I'm a little hopeful, I'm happy.  My mom gets out of her rehab today and starts her outpatient program.  My sister and I went over to her house to clean it up so that it's nice and fresh for her to come home to.  We spent seven hours there.  I'm so tired, I can't even explain how tired.  It's the kind of tired that doesn't let you sleep.  What's that?  Overtired?  The cleaning turned into snooping and ridding - because she had pills stashed in all kinds of secret corners.  It grossed me out and made me mad.  I've talked to my mom and she seems to be in a really good place.  She talks like she used to, before the pills & drugs.  She doesn't sound like a maniac anymore.  She's feeling hopeful about life and excited to be part of it again.  And she's sorry for everything.  She said a couple of things to me on the phone that I really wanted to hear:  she was in her position because she put herself there (hallelujah!!) and.. that even though it's very early in her recovery, she is very sorry for everything she put me through..how she talked to me.. how she treated me.. how she let everything get so out of control.  I'll end that portion of my thoughts right there and let things flow for awhile.  My heart is teetering like a freaking see-saw and I can babble on forever.

Angie's been awesome through this whole thing.  She doesn't know the extent, but she does know her Nana was in the hospital and that she was sick.  She and the faeries have been a huge help to my sister and I.  They play with Sophia and try to keep her occupied while Tina and I are busy (cleaning, having family sit-downs with my brother and my dad).  I really have to say and recognize that our girls... are fucking awesome.  *W slash E*  ;)

Two nights ago, Angie and I were driving west on the highway going home, and we were watching the sunset.  She remembered that I had picked up some over priced polaroid film that morning.  "Mom, that sunset is so beautiful" she said "you should take a picture of it." 

"Honey, if I had my good camera, I would.  All I have is the plastic Polaroid."

"That's ok, mom.  Just take a picture.  You can't miss this sunset".

So I took the exit for Garret Mountain and drove up to the top where you can park your car.  There's and old castle and an amazing view of Paterson and the Passaic Valley from up there.  Then, a big flock of ducks took off flying and she screamed "now Mom... shoot now!"  She's got an eye for awesome moments and is totally aware of the beauty that surrounds her.  I hope she never loses that.

So, today is a new day, and my wish for a certain someone is that she learns that she has wings and that she flies in beautiful directions.  Wish me luck!!

how will i do it?

It's so late, and I should be sleeping.  Just wanted to say hello to my circle of internet friends.  I may not have been by your place to visit, but I've been keeping up with you via Bloglines, commenting when time permits.  We've been visiting car dealers, as my lease is up and I need to trade in and hopefully upgrade a bit.  Birthdays are still rolling along, my brother and Z celebrate theirs this weekend.  I'm keeping up with the diet and working out.  I'm down in numbers and inches, and trying to get used to the new girl I'm seeing in the mirror.  She's looking less puffy and she's feeling herself grow into her skin as it shrinks inward, molding onto her blossoming insides.  Insecurities are less prominent, almost an afterthought.  I feel good for the first time in a long time.  Along with these changes, I feel a longing within for something more.  Do I dare pick up the paints again?  Do I use the camera to tell you a story?  There is so much to explore, but where do I start?  I think of these things and I quickly put the ideas away.  I'll let this month roll along as it has been without any commitments and with the beginning of spring, I'll throw myself back into the messy world of pastels and canvases, maybe a snapshot or two.  Pressure is not my thing, and right now I don't have the room to pour into those avenues of creativity and release.  But soon all that will change and as colors start blooming around me, they'll become a big part of my world yet again.  Sleep well dear friends.   

don't forget how

When I wake up in the mornings, I take a few minutes before getting out of bed to reflect on my dreams.  If I don't remember the dream, I'll try to piece together whatever visions I can recall.  Sometimes I have (what seems like) a long dream that takes me to different places with different people.  And sometimes, I have dreams that are like little scenes from a film except they're jumbled up and inserted in a very random order.  One scene may have nothing to do with the other or maybe they do, and I just don't know it.  Because that's the thing about dreams, they're hard to interpret.  I feel like they're a manifestation of thoughts and feelings and maybe some deep hidden stuff we have that we don't want to recognize.  There's been a theme that keeps coming up in my dreams, a wicked fear of rejection.  I can interpret it easily and I sort of know where it comes from.  It's not a deep childhood issue or anything like that because I can clearly remember certain moments as a late teenager when I knew that the world was my oyster and I had zero fear of anything going wrong.  (What a freakin lovely outlook for a kid to have, right?)  But later, things changed.  Things got bad, I got insecure..and I don't remember the defining moment but I know there is a point where I clearly hesitated and second guessed my efforts.  This change within me truly sucked because every opportunity that came my way had/has me lingering over how to go about it without getting myself hurt (read: feeling like a failure or rejected).  How does one go about trying to change this?  I don't know.  All options are risky when your feelings are in question..and I hate that I feel all tender about myself taking risks.  I want to have that fearlessness I had when I was eighteen and make the world my oyster once again.  There's not much that can scare me if I have enough love for myself..that's all I have to keep remembering.  Time to be brave Bella...

a political interlude..

I don't ever discuss my political views here.  I don't want this to be a place for debate because I have no interest in debating with commenters via gooooogle hits.  Debate in general is not my strong point - I feel intensely about issues and I get overwhelmed talking about them, so much so that I lose my train of thought going back and forth about things.  But today.. my heart is sad and defeated.  Within in me lies teensy bits of DNA passed down from ancestors that shed their blood on a sacred piece of land.  I'm strongly committed to keeping the history and traditions of my father's and my husband's countries alive - and in doing so, I have fallen in love with this place that is so beautiful and magical and the history of my religion that intertwines so deeply within the heart of the story of this sacred place.  It's so hard for others to understand how intensely we feel about this issue because nobody knows our history.  The average Joe doesn't even care.  But I do.. and so do a lot of others just like me.  Today our hearts cry together. 

~~Kosovo is a Serbian province, located in the southern part of Serbia. It has been administered by the United Nations (UN) since June 1999, with NATO’s Kosovo Force (KFOR) providing the peacekeeping.

At the beginning of the 13th century Kosovo became part of the Serbian Kingdom, its population then being a mixture of Serbs, Albanians and Vlachs. It was not long before Kosovo became the cultural and religious heart of Orthodox Serbia, with many churches and monasteries being erected on its grounds. During the course of time, however, Kosovo's ethnic composition evolved into the province nowadays consisting mainly of Albanians professing the Islam, а great deal of this owing to the Medieval five-century Ottoman rule over Serbia, during which many Christian Serbs were driven out of. Out of  the over-two-million people now living in Kosovo, about 92 per cent are Albanians and only five per cent are Serbs.

In 1912, during the First Balkan War, Serbia managed to regain control over most of Kosovo from the Ottoman Empire. Serbian sovereignty over the province was recognized and the Serbs started a re-colonization of Kosovo. At the end of World War 1, Kosovo was fully subject to the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats and Slovenes (the transformed Serbian Kingdom).

During World War 2, most of Kosovo became part of the Italian-controlled fascist Albania. A big number of Serbs were either expelled from the province or killed.~~

Kosovo Declares Independence today.

Sorry, comments are closed.  If you want to discuss, please email me.

day 9 - thinking about the zen

(This morning, Atlantic City.  You MUST click it!)

Today, I felt so darned fed up with myself.  I am easily overwhelmed, so when I do things mindlessly, like eat as a skinny person would and not catch myself early enough... Shit tends to hit the fan rather late.  For the last month, I have deviated from the plan that was giving me serious results regarding my weight loss.  Why did I deviate?  I have no idea right now.  My best guess is comfort and cold weather because baking season is upon us and I'm not one to deviate from baking, that's for sure.

My feelings took a turn for the worse on this 2 day trip Z and I took.  I could not find a pair of jeans that didn't pinch my belly or that the fat didn't overlap the belt.  I felt deeeescusting.  (sic on purpose).

My inner voice, the one that's supposed to offer me comfort and strength in times of frustration, was of no help.

Me:  "What the fuck?  These jeans fit perfect a month ago."

Inner voice:  "What did you expect?  You've been eating like a slob."

Me:  "Just shut up and comfort me.  What happened to all that talk about bringing the zen back?"

Inner voice:  "Zen??  You want the zen back in your life??  Drink some tea and lay off the cookies, fat ass!!"

What a bitch she can be.  Don't get me started.  This inner dialog does nothing but make me feel even worse.  What can I do?  Well, I can start by being proactive and doing something to help myself.  I am so going to get back on a healthy routine.  I strayed and I can't stand myself for it.  I feel like a blob of dead weight that couldn't even float in water.  (I know this not to be true, but still...)  The only way I can feel better is if I get up off of my ass and move.  It's time to go to the gym.  The beginning of my weight loss was purely through diet - no exercise.  I joined the gym two weeks ago and haven't been there since for one simple reason.  I loathe the thought of physical activity.  You can laugh, I know it's silly.  I also know that once I start and get into a routine, it will get easier.  So, tomorrow I'll be there, pumping and sweating away the stress and the weight.

It's not easy to be mean to myself - this is just a lot of anger and disappointment coming out.  But it's an issue I struggle with and a situation where I know everything I should be doing, but I'm just not doing it.  I need to do something for me, yet again.

On the box of my tea, there is a tiny blurb that says:  "Live from your heart.  You will be most effective."  My heart is telling me that there is more I could be doing to get my body and mind healthy and balanced.  I just need to take that first teeny little step.

Please, don't feel the need to leave a cheer me up comment.  I don't feel bad about any of this because I know it will get better with time.  And I'm done complaining about it so, maybe, leave me a comment telling me how fabulous I'll feel in a few weeks when I'm well into a good workout routine.  Or, you can just say "hi".  Or whatever...

Three art pieces will be posted up tomorrow.  I'm spending the evening playing catch up.

do I even know me? -or- saving your own life

I've spent the last couple of days getting Angie ready for school.  That's why there was no post yesterday, but there are two today, so that counts for something - right?  I wasn't going to write another post today, but I had to.  You see, I met a blogger.  Well, it's more like I lurked on this person's blog for a long, long time today.  I read the archives all morning (stalker!!!), something I don't usually do.  I could not turn away from this person and the story that they had to tell.

I have never, in my 2 short years of blogging, come across a blog as raw and as honest as this one I discovered.  I was in awe of the way the person writes (beautifully, like a peaceful, flowing river).  The reading was light and easy yet very intricate and meaningful.  I cried a lot while reading the entries  because of the truth that lay between the sentences.  My truth and my story doesn't, at all, resemble this person's story.  We couldn't be more different.  But throughout the words, there was one theme playing like a broken record - living your truth, living as your authentic self.

Do you know how hard it is to be honest and what it involves to live honestly?  What that entails is something I have not been able to achieve yet.  I haven't peeled back all of my layers - here on this blog or in real life.  There is not one person in my life who knows me entirely.  The people or family members that love me think they know me, and to a certain degree, they do.  I would say that my two closest confidants (Z and my sister) know me better than anyone else does, and that's not even close to knowing me completely.  There is so much yet to be revealed, so much yet to be explored, so much yet.. I trick myself into thinking I can avoid knowing the real me.  If I were to embark on a journey of sorts, learing about me and letting go of the fear I have of letting other people know me, I would have to let go and jump on board a crazy train, without knowing where I would end up.  Control, gotta love it, but it stifles me.  I allow myself to know just enough about me to feel comfortable.  I feel like I can somehow shove my past down a very deep well and fetch little buckets of it up when I need it.  It's like trying to put a puzzle together but you don't have all the pieces.  And hell, will I ever have all of the pieces?  I know what my past is.  I own it and I accept it, but I don't often talk about it. 

There are several times in my life that I can look back on now and realize that those moments were BIG.  They were moments that changed everything.  There wasn't a right or wrong path for me.  I took a lot in without letting much out while I kept on schlepping on with life. 

Reading this new blog today had me feeling really small and very humbled.  I'm inspired.  I'm sad for the time I wasted not knowing me and not being able to reveal all of me to the ones I love.  I have so much work to do if I want to live authentically.  I wonder if I could do this.  I don't want to start something I won't be able to finish (not that there's a finish in sight, but I just like to let it be known that I'm not good at finishing things I start).

I said that I felt inspired, and indeed I do.  I want to share my truth and my story, not only with my loves, but here in this blog.  I often wondered what kind of blogger I was - a mommy blogger? a creative blogger? a snarky, sassy blogger with not a whole lot to say?  a poser?  a wanna-be?  a normal girl?  I believe that I am all of these and then some, which leaves me without a catagory to fit myself into.  (This feelings also came to mind when I decided to ask for help in making a blog banner). 

What I need to do is start, and I'm a great starter.  There are goals that have been set with no time limit to achieve them in.  I need to be disciplined yet easy with myself without too many expectations.  I hardly live up to the ones I set for myself on the daily so I don't expect a whole lot of myself in the long run.  But I am committed.  I will take all the time I need to stop being so (I want to say fake, fictitious, fraudulent....) evasive.. much better.  I will offer the world me, the good bits and the yucky bits.  I can only say that although the road may be a crazy, bumpy one... it might be worth sticking around to see just what kind of me emerges.

*I cried a lot today because after reading some entires in this newly discovered blog, I know the truth is that I'll never know my father.  This makes me so sad.  I know him just *this* much which is not enough for me.  I still have time, I know.  I hope that our relationship grows and that one day when he's not here anymore, I will be able to look back on our years together and feel good about the effort I put into knowing him, and laughing with him.*

(I have no idea how I would comment on an entry like this, so if you don't have the words for a comment, I totally understand).

before the holiday

To borrow a quote from the messy queen of grunge, I really do feel like I'm covered in loser dust.  Honestly, who endlessly chats about being stuck in her house and expects to hold  an audience's attention?  I amaze myself sometimes. 
I did get to the craft store and finally picked up my first bottle of Mod Podge, which is fab-o.  Melba uses it a lot and I've always been curious as to what you can do with the stuff.  Oh my... the little cards I've been creating with it are so cute.  It's truly an awesome product.
I also picked up a canvas, my first, for an art trade I'm trying out with Tory.  Love Tory.  No, I freaking fancy her, yo.. which I know she'd love to hear me say.  She offered to knit me a blog banner, which I totally would have accepted had it been feasible.  Also picked up some Halloween crafts to keep the faeries busy when they visit as an alternative to offer before hell breaks loose. 
It's a holiday weekend here in the US and I have no plans to speak of.  I wanted to take a quick trip down to the beach tomorrow, which would have been our final day to enjoy the shore, but Z's working and I don't feel like going alone.  So I guess it's me and Ang, working with paints and glues, bbq'ing for dinner, and lounging around in the backyard.  I suppose my sister will visit and I'll do some shopping in between.  There are a ton of sales happening this weekend and I'm in the market for a new coffee maker and toaster.  I broke my coffee pot by accident a few days ago, as well as the toaster last year.  I'm a little clumsy when it comes to counter top appliances.
Enjoy your weekend my friends, wherever you are. I'll catch up on blogs and emails sometime this weekend. xo

my art

I'm inspired by the many 'creative' bloggers I've come to know through this medium.  It's actually a little intimidating for me to be a part of a community that I have almost no artistic skills in common with.  But, I go along and make friends and say my hellos.  And then I think... what is it that I'm good at?  I enjoy photography but not very seriously.  I've been reading about lomography which seems to be more my cup of tea.  I just received my Supersampler in the mail and I'm totally enjoying pointing and shooting away at anything and everything.  I also like sitting down and creating things with art supplies, but not for long.  It doesn't interest me deeply enough to want to sit there longer.  I'm not a writer, a painter, or a quilter.  I can't sew, can't figure out Photoshop for the life of me, and I can't see the art that can be created from junk.  (I'm also aware that saying I can't do all of these things is seriously hindering any possibility of me actually, one day, trying to accomplish any of these things!!)

Then today as I was putting on my makeup, I remembered exactly where my artistic abilities and love belong.  It's been years since I put a brush to another person's eyes, but this is what I used to do best.  One person may use paints and glues.  These are the tools I use to make someone beautiful, to make someone smile:

I don't think I'll be getting back into this line of work professionally anytime soon but it's always something I have the option to do in my spare time.  Just like painting a picture for the fun of it.

I also make a delicious strawberry & banana smoothie.

 

where am i?

There have been frequent long breaks between posts going on here at my bloggie.  I've been thinking about why that is.  Have I run out of things to say - do I even have anything to say? 

It's not that at all.  There are many fabulous stories to be shared, and I plan to share them all soon - and on a more regular basis.  I've just been in a lazy summer kind of mood.  The air is heavy, and stagnant, and humid.  I have no enthusiasm to do much and sadly, that includes blogging. 

I'm sure that for the remainder of August I'll be able to get a couple of good posts up here.  In the meantime, I might take the easy way out and post lot's of pictures in place of writing.

(Speaking of pictures, does anyone know if there is a way to get your images off of Google?  God, that is so annoying!)  I hope you are all enjoying your summer. xo