shetoldstories

grace in small doses

 

"Maintain a vigorous sense of perspective. 99.9% of the things that seem absolutely urgent, completely infuriating, massively critical & totally MANDATORY won’t matter (to you, or the universe) in 100 years. Or even 100 days." Alexandra Franzen, my new internet crush.

Lately I have been a raging bitch crab to the people I love most. My dad, my brother, my husband; the three men who I love beyond infinity have been at the mercy of my wrath.

I caught myself in the middle of a tirade last week, and I thought: wow, I don't want to be this person. I sent a text to my friend saying how much of a moody, douchey, biatch I was a being, just to get it out there and share what's real with at least one person. I like to claim my shit out loud so it sinks in deeper.

Thank God for perspective and for blank slates and second chances. I'm kind enough to extend myself grace in small doses every now and again. I know I'm not that person. I also know how to give myself a pass (my cycle app tells me I was in my moody zone).

I apologized to my boys, fully recognizing my actions / reactions without explaining the reasoning behind them. They were totally understanding and let it slide. I meditated on my attitude for a bit and asked for help in turning it around.

If you follow me on instagram, you know that yesterday not 1, not 2, but 3 random hearts fell across my path. I'm taking those hearts as a sign to show myself a little more compassion and to really be mindful of how I treat others. I'm not a meanie all the time, but I do have my days. (Hello human Bella). 

Today is a new day, and I am allowing myself to start fresh.

(you can too!)

*You should totally read that post that I linked to by Alexandra. I love that post. In fact, I love most of what she shares on her site. It's one of those places online that I don't feel like clicking away from.

 

for real

 

I've been trying to put this into words for over 20 minutes now but I just can't pull it off eloquently enough.

 

 

*I've been told that I seem very well put together.

*That my creative work looks like a high end professional biz.

*That I'm totally in with the popular bloggers.

*Than my hair & make-up are always top notch.

 

myth. myth. myth. truth.

 

I'll own up to that last one without hesitation.

I don't know how these perceptions of me came to be true for other people. Is it the way that I write or the photos that I share that give me an air of "perfect Bella with a perfect life, job, husband, family"?

It's so far off, like miles away from my truth.

I share pieces of my life. Snippets, as I like to call them. There are many happy moments coming across my instagram feed because I have chosen to live a FULL & RICH life outside of my laptop, enriched with solid people, delicious food, adventurous travel, and an open heart for new experiences. I literally filter out the drama and chaos, and run as fast as I can if I feel it approaching.

I'm quiet & reserved until I get to know you, then I don't shut up.

I hesitate and pause before making phone calls or sending emails because I don't want to intrude on your time.

I've lost my inner type-A, and lack the enthusiasm I once had to keep my house clean. It now feels more lived in and cozy, totally not a Pinterest picture.

I am not "in" with the popular bloggers. I am friends with people who have a huge blog following and I have specifically asked them not to bling my link in their posts. I'm more interested in keeping my friendships intimate and sacred, not to expose our connection to the assumption and judgement a majority of blog readers have.

I move slowly in the world. Things will get done when they get done. There is no finish line.

I'm just like you. I get sad, scared, I suffer with an anxiety disorder, I sometimes get social anxiety, I fight with my husband, my daughter (age 12) talks back & has an attitude, some of the new recipes I try flop, sometimes I wish I could escape my life for a month (or two or three). Sometimes. Not all the time, but enough to say my life is just like yours - normal.

We're the same. Human. Living. Learning. Trying to make the best of this life.

Don't worry about me. I'm doing me. You just do you.

I truly believe there is a light within each of us. Stop watching me shine mine. Find yours and let it shine bright. You are a gift, do you know that? Don't worry what your life / house / family looks like. It's yours. Let your love grow. Let your light shine. Don't get caught up in what so-and-so is doing or who they're hanging out with. Use your energy on more positive things like deepening your family rituals, nourishing your existing friendships, and making your life a beautiful, rich existence.

Have a beautiful Tuesday. xo

a crimson stain

 

'out of an ivory mist, I felt a stinging kiss and saw a crimson stain on her lips'

I edited this photo 4 years ago and I still love how it reminds me of a tulip field one might stumble upon on their way to Emerald City. I think I should have this one printed really big and framed for my empty entrance wall. 

Last week in blog land:

Obviously, we are sharing {crimson} at 52 Photos Project and I would LOVE IT if you would join us.

Susannah is hosting a Big Book Giveaway in celebration of her book's one year anniversary (This I Know). I entered 4 times!! You can too, just click here. The giveaway closes on Monday, June 10th.

Liz opened up a great conversation: Living in an Instagrammed World. A must read.

Jen Lee unveiled the Indie Kindred trailer & tour dates & shop. I am so proud of my friend.

And finally. My girl is coming to NYC. We gonna tear that city apart cuz, that's how we do.

Last week in real life:

I had a beautiful brunch date with Jen & Lisa in the city. 

Today I started a one week cleanse (no dairy) to release the toxins & and any extra mucus I need to release after a very horrible allergy season. 

I had a wonderful opportunity come up through some special friends to shoot the cover of a trade magazine. The shoot is next week and I will def share updates.

Today, we're going to see the Purge! <Horror fans!>

And finally, a bittersweet but very happy occasion in my family. My first niece, my angel, Daniela turns 18 years old tomorrow. I can't believe it's been 18 years since Zak & I kept her mom and dad company at the hospital the night she was born. I'm going to shower this lovey with gifts galore. It's a huge occasion, and I cannot believe how quickly eighteen years have passed.

Here she is, the almost birthday girl:

nurture. nourish. it all changes.

Nurture. Nourish. Two topics I often write about without ever touching on how the rhythm of my routines change to fit my moods.

Immediately after the passing of my mom last June, I dove into cooking. I bought magazines, picked the recipes, shopped for the ingredients, and got busy in the kitchen. The ritual of chopping, sauteing, assembling, and ultimately eating the food I created was very soothing for me. It never felt like too much. I have a dishwasher which was promptly loaded and sometimes I ran it twice a day with the amount of dirty dishes I amassed.

And then at some point, I got tired of cooking so I did whatever my body craved next, and that was rest. Like, fucking months of relaxation which I freely surrendered to.

I want to fast forward (not skim over) to today because all of that has been well documented here. 

These days I'm feeling so much more alive in my own skin. I was talking with a friend and when she asked how I was doing, I replied 'I just feel like I'm in such a good, solid place right now' and I swear the transition has unfolded so organically. This last year has been the first time I have ever been so intuitive with my body's needs. I gave it what it asked for, and when it was done I listened for what was next. 

Nurture: March through May, my body needed to wake up from a long rest which is why I started working the a trainer. She taught me so much about my own physical strength and how far I could push myself. I'm so glad to have had that opportunity (it was my Mother's Day gift from Zak & Ang) and I will be taking what she shared with me and doing those routines at my gym this summer.

Nurture: Working on my physical strength expanded and stretched my emotional and spiritual levels in such a positive way. I'm really clear about what and who I want to be around and where my boundaries are all while remaining open to receiving love, new people, new adventures, etc.

Nourish: This has changed tremendously! Food is now nourishing fuel to keep my body leveled and sustained. I've scaled back where I overindulged both on the sweets and the luxury items I love to buy myself.

Nourish: It means a proper night's rest and waking up a half hour before everyone else so I can drink my coffee in peace and quiet.

Nourish: Zak and I are both committed to taking care of our health and well being, so we have worked out a schedule where we alternate nights off from 'home' to do whatever we please. (Our kid is 12 and able to stay home alone because her grandparents live downstairs but still, there is Trixie & dinner & a whole evening routine that we all thrive on). For him it's hot yoga. For me it's a sweaty, heart pumping kickboxing class. Or you know, fro-yo is always an alternative ;)

Nurture: My creative work, oh wow... the ideas just keep coming. You know how they say our bodies go through seven year cycles? Well I've been blogging for seven years and this medium is just not the same as it used to be. I have dreams and am planting the seeds that will take my creative work in an entirely new direction. I know what it looks like but I don't know how things will pan out. What I do know is that as soon as I put a name to the direction I wanted to go in, a phone call came through and a brand new opportunity opened up for me. You have to believe *down to your bones* *down to the fricken marrow* in what you are doing and show up in gratitude for the opportunities before you. That's when things start happening. Dreams. I've got them and I am holding them close, nurturing them to reality.

Oh that was a mouthful, wasn't it?! How are you doing? How are you nourishing and nurturing yourself, your family, your work, your life? What is going on, tell me something new. I love hearing from you & I love, love, love connecting with you.

Have a beautiful day. xo