I know what it's like to be talked about / laughed at / picked last / back stabbed / looked over / begrudged / flat left / put in check / disrespected / whispered about/ to be the one who silences a room upon entering / small.
I have risen from these moments and places inhabiting a healthier outlook and a thicker skin.
I know what it's like to look in the mirror and wonder why I don't see how I feel on the inside. 'Will I ever look how I feel?'
I wonder.
There have been fleeting moments, but never a steady flow.
I know what it's like to be afraid of showing off / to be the first one on the dance floor / to stand in front of and speak to a room full of people / to have all eyes on me.
The only way out of this fear is through it, so I close my eyes / exhale / and attempt to own the room. Sometimes I suck. Sometimes I shine. It takes every ounce of self love (not narcissism) to show up in this way and I'm getting better at it.
I know what it's like to have to bail out / run for the hills / leave behind / forget about / move on.
My sanity and well being remain in tact for having done so on more than one occasion.
I also know what it's like to be on the other side of the fence and for reasons unbeknown to me, I was left. It flat out feels like shit.
I don't know what the right way is when it comes to self protection. Leaving is how I deal. Maybe someday I'll learn a better way. Maybe there is no better way.
I know what it's like to feel different, to feel like the one who stands out for all the wrong reasons, to feel like I'm being looked at and scrutinized.
If only I could garner that much attention! Those feelings are just my issues bubbling up to the surface, begging for some love.
I'm learning how to be merciful with myself.
I know what it's like to want so badly what others have. A fuller ass, a skinnier midsection, no stretch marks, a better house in a prettier section of town with a fireplace, clear skin, perkier breasts, long - elegant fingers, straight teeth, to lose my accent, fuller lips, better blog stats, more work exposure ...
I also know what it's like to drop down on my knees and give thanks for what I do have: we are all healthy and have everything we need, full stop.
To want is normal, and maybe to name the wants out loud will reveal a sense of whiny-ness about me - or even better, a sense of realness.
I understand want and the belly aches that come with it. Wanting is something we all feel. I strive to revel in the contentedness with what I already have. Some days it's hard.
I know what it's like to wander aimlessly, to find difficulty in pin-pointing a name for what I do, to scale back and stick with just one thing when there are so many good things to do.
I do know that I am on the right path, that I'm clear about which projects both personal and creative I will be slowly letting go of, that I am in control of what is real and what is my perception / insecurity / issue, that I suffer with a general anxiety disorder that flares up and calms down for minutes (sometimes months) at a time, that I and only I can work to reveal my inside out. I am feverishly working on that right now, every minute of everyday.
Isn't that what we're all striving for? To know our flaws but to work to be a better version of ourselves?
I know what it's like to feel vulnerability in sharing, but I'm gonna hit publish now and hope these words feel like home to someone reading.
Heaps of love & happy weekend.
*all photos have been processed using my new favorite action packs & curves from: Digital Film Actions for creatives, by creatives. (no affiliation)
*I know What it's Like ... writing prompt provided by Heather who writes at Happy Writer Mama. <-- Crushing on her.
